Sunday, August 9, 2009

Not your average Saturday - Picking up and pick-up lines

The more interesting part of my Saturday was bound to come from my experiment with pick-up lines. Yes, I like to have some fun every now and then. I've always wanted to try some lines to see if they work, how they work and who they work on. When my cousin wrote a Facebook note called "official...Pick Up Lines....to all ya brothas without game...", he tagged me first. He tagged me first. Sadness eh? The lines were hilarious and I had decided to entrust my Saturday evening enjoyment in these sentences. What did I have to lose o? Kowtow. So, here we go. This is what happened o!

You already know I went to see FC Barcelona play in San Francisco. After I left the stadium with my friends, they dropped me off around the block where the venue for the picking-up testing would take place. I was starving so I walked around looking for chicken fried rice. Okay, am talking about chicken fried rice, not Asian girls. Besides, I decided not to test out the lines before I went to the club, because if the gods winked, smiled on and blessed me, I would probably have to end up at the End-UP with an uninvited guest who'll make all my costs double. I don't have luuchi (cash) for that. Also, I could only afford chicken fried rice at that time (11pm), though it was pretty late for any nice restaurants. Why would I insist on this type of food? After African food, Asian food comes next. It's just something about the fortune cookies I guess.

After unsuccessfully finding an Asian food place, I resorted to asking random people on the street for places. Many of these people were beggars and homeless. The others were waiting to enter clubs or go to clubs. One girl I asked said she didn't have a phone. What does that have to do with anything? Mmaa paa deɛ, ɛyɛ a, mokyerɛ wanwa o. The guy who offered to help me was some beggar guy who started to lead me toward a hungry man's paradise. I probably shouldn't have chosen or followed him, he's the kind of guy you'll think may be dangerous. I could care less. He asked me where I was from and my favorite answer to that these days is to say, "Guess". He figured I was African and started, "Zimbabwe? Nairobi?" "Nairobi is a city in Kenya, but it's not that country". He mentioned Nigeria too and after two minutes of no or wrong guesses, I finally told him. We still hadn't found an Asian restaurant that was open. This is when I told him I'll go eat some Mexicano food. He finally said the one thing we'd been wanting to say, "Can I get some money?" I had 6 $20 bills in my wallet and some change. I said no. He wasn't too happy and started saying some &%$#^% and this is when I walked in as far away as possible with one eye on my back. I finally settled on one Mexican restaurant after I paid my water bill. I love how they had Mexican drinks there, unlike our Ghanaian restaurants who now don't seem to sell Muscatella, Palm wine or Malta Guinness/Vita Malt anymore. A beggar came in and asked for a quarter, which I gave him. He wanted to pay the waiter for some water but this guy refused to give him some. I should have asked them if they were Chivas or Club America supporters.

Around 11:30, I had ended up at the End-Up. I decided to remain around the block till my friend arrived at the club. I still don't know why I thought this was a good idea. I sat at the bus stop, waiting for no bus. Buses came by as well as some shordies going to the same club. I thought, if these ladies see me sitting at this bus stop, they'll think am broke or something and when they see me later, they won't want to have anything to do with me. Ridiculous thinking? I think not. More time passed, and more ladies passed. Eventually, I decided to enter the club, sticking to the original plan and holding off on my pick-up lines till I was inside. 'Reggae gold', the best night club in town, cost $20 to get in. Pretty regular, and tonight, I will be entertained by various facial experiences and reactions. Good bargain.

Once I was in, I started looking around for my first victim. I was going to use this line first (the tall line) - "I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting/standing on my wallet.". I had eyed a couple of girls but I figured if I tried that line, they'll say "we saw you when you came in, this is your bloodyforkin height". So, I chose this line, which we shall call the bet line - "My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?". This girl was pretty hot but she was with this other girlfriend of hers. She'd seen me too. I asked this Jamaican dude standing next to me to act like he was my friend for a couple of minutes as I go chat up Miss-I'm-wearing-a-RemyMartin-shirt. I went up to her and said, "Hello, hi... and then the line". The shordy smiled at me (yay) and said she was working for Remy Martin at the club this night. Bummer. She then said she has some coupons to get Remy Martin drinks at discounted prices. Hmm, what was I supposed to do? Buy her some Remy Martin drinks for cheap? Buy her some other drink? Hire some other girl to work in her place? My cheap behind would do none of that with no moneyback/kindback guarantee. I said "okay, nice meeting you" and then after I had almost turned to go back, asked for her name. "Victoria". I said nice to meet you and then I mentioned my name. Bizzounce.

I had decided not to dance with anybody till I had used pick-up lines at least three times. I even avoided some girls I knew because I wanted to stay focused. Genius abi? I was hanging by the dance floor minding my business when some dude asked me to be a wing man as he'd seen some two girls. Since this girl hadn't noticed me, I walked up to her and used the 'tall line'. - "I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting/standing on my wallet." She smiled/giggled and in the next few moments, we were dancing already. We danced for a while (you wanna know how long?) and then she had to go (use the rest room/get some air/send a text/use lip gloss/ or some other excuse like that). It happens all the time. Or? I called the move a success and sought my next victim. Let's just say that was the last time I said a word to her. I didn't get her name.

For the third installment in this experiment, I chose the 'angel line' - "I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel". I was going to use it on some particular ladies but I felt they'd seen me already and must have been wondering "why didn't you come talk to me already". So I spotted a bevy of 4 ladies and chose the fairest (ahem, finest) amongst them. One of my friends (upon telling him earlier which pick-up lines I'd be using later) had told me to use this crazy line - "HI" Too common but it could be used in tandem with another. So I walked up to the girl, and after I said hi, I dropped the line and got the same reaction as always. I asked for her name and it was some unusual name which I had trouble making out. Melanie? Melomie? Miyomi? Naomi? Before I could find out if she was Ethiopian (Habesha) to add 'tadias', her friends were moving location and she was tallying along. We shall call it an incomplete experiment. Except I never tried to talk to her again so we shall call it a botched one.

I had spent the first 45 minutes of my club time testing out pick-up lines and decided that was enough and had to get my groove on. Went the old-fashioned common way and had mixed results. Finally, said hi to the friends I knew and more friends came through. I had a jolly good time, the music at Reggae Gold is always good so even if I am not dancing with some fly honey somewhere, "m'akoma tɔ me ya mu", I'm fine. Later on, I decided to use the one line I was advised not to try because I am rebellious like that. I was curious. Here's the sight line, "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?". I picked on my first white shordy victim and after walking by, dropped the line. She wasn't too amused. I forget what we said afterwards but the move flopped. Bizzie biz. I had said it, goodenuff.

The rest of my time at 'Reggae Gold' was regular; did some dancing, some nodding, some standing, some walking, some drinking water, and some talking. I didn't take any new phone numbers, which in hindsight probably should have. If I meet some new girl at ze club, and get a number, I feel like it validates my clubbing lol. But this night, I had completed a task I always wanted to do and I have stories to tell. Truth is, I didn't really want to get with any shordy, the plan was just to see how it'll go. That's not to say I won't use one on some girl I really wanted to get to know. Victoria was hot though, but I kinda lost track of her eventually. I've not decided if I'll use pick-up lines from now on but make no mistake about this - these experiments are not over. I ended up leaving the End-UP around 3am, which is the earliest I've left there because the club closes at 6am. Quite a rarity in these Bay Area parts. I called the day a success and went home with some Habeshas.

PS: This is the song I listened to most on my way to the club
Soundtrack - "She's pretty, like she's half Fante,
African girl with a body like yeah!
She shot a glance at me
Got me pulling over quick right there!
She looking cute and sexy
Cat-walking like she just don't care!
Girl if u really wanna party!
Come sip Henney with ur king in the club tonight!
Tonight is ur night pretty woman!
We'll be chilling at the VIP, aight!
" - lyrics from 5Five's African Girls.
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